To Start

wow...dah lama tak menulis.. maafkan sy sebab sy suka menulis bahasa rojak.. tujuan mem"blog" kembali adalah cuba menguatkan kembali diri yang makin lama makin lemah.. bukan bertujuan meraih simpati bukan bertujuan apa2.. hanya ingin berkongsi rasa.. kepada yang mengalaminya jua.. sy bukan hanya nak berkongsi rasa and cerita yang dilalui.. malah juga ingin berkongsi hari2 sy, aktiviti sy.. kpd sesiapa yg sudi membaca... awkwardnye lama x tulis.. selalunye tulis dalam diary..haha blog ini ibarat diary maya saya mulai hari nih..jom writing2.. sooner will update more life experience, motivations, wat i do, wat i buy, and ofcourse wat i eat..hahaha see ya!!

people...im bck...wit more miserable life...

diz weeknd juz over...n so many things i've done...
lately...my sleep time...huh...unpredictable...
my life...became like unorganized table....
on saturday...i juz sleep2...like an owl...wake up at night...
have night life...
until it comes to sunday....i wake up in the afternoon...
and later...sum1 ask me out for lunch....sum1 dat's really importnt
in my life...sum1 i eagerly want's him bck...sum1 which i cud'nt resist...
sum1 dat i cnt get rid of...sum1 who i wan to spnd my life wit....
sum1 dat hurts me...but stil...i kinda wondering...shud i giv up...
or shall i nvr giv up...
bck wit da story...
after havin lunch...we went to my frens office...n waste our time
there...disturbin people...and for da last minutes decision...
we decided to go to ZOO...kinda laugh bck went think bout it...
i thought gonna have my fun...like i use to be wen i was a kid...
but...its kinda diff..lots of things that hapen...ache my heart...
sumtim...i really wish...i wanna turn bck da clock...if evrytin really's
my fault...
juz bcoz of stupid...silly mistake...do i deserve diz punishment...do i?
y is diz happening to me...afta went to da ZOO...i stay in my room...lock it...
no dsturbance...cryin...thinkin....sleepin...wonderin...wat shud i do...
listen to sad songs...wat again shud i do...little by little my heart
wounded...i stayed and lock myself...in da room...no eat...no bath...like the miserable me...until i wrote diz blog
coz i have enough sleepin....n tryin not to look out for my phne...
coz it will aches me...in my thinking...did he ever thinks of me...my feeling...
my pain...did he?? sumone's says...my smile cud brighten sumone life...was it?
if dat hapen...den...shall i nvr smile again...coz i wan to save da smile for me?
will dat hapen? desperately hapen? i dunno wat to do...
wat i feel rite now...is...i wanted to run away...frm anybody i've known...run...n run...n run...no stoping...til i get tired...wat else shud i do?? shall i seek for sickness...so...i wudnt wake up....shall i sleep...where my dream i cud create...shall i cry until it unstoppable...
i know his problems....wudnt he want to make his problem away...juz by spending his time wit me...i've made my sacrifice...juz for him....was it so wrong to hav him bck?? waiting for him?? i dun think...he will think bout diz...coz i know...now he is doin his best in resisting me...am i stupid?? huh...i know...evry1 will be as stupid as me...if u ever want sumbody importnt in ur life...go...juz go...leavin u there alone...with da pain....huh...i know....

inikah kawan??

skrg nie...ak mmg dibelenggu masalah..satu demi satu menimpa ak..
ptptn ak mintak naek kadar..xdpt..lpas utk yuran..pas2 balance tngl
rm30..mcm mane ak nk upgrade pc ak..mcm mane ak nk mule wat psm ak..
mak ayh ak akn bg rm200-rm300sebuln..itupn kalo bagi..
masalah per1 ak..ak hilangkn jam kesygan mak ak..dimana jam itu mak
ak bli utk rewards pd dirinya sendiri sempena bday dy yg dianggap sbg
nyawanya sendiri..ttpi ak hilngkn secara x sngaje..n ak lupe ak ltak
mane..ak xtau kalo ade sape trnmpak..@ sape trambil @ sape sgaje ambil
..waAllahualam..harga jam tue..rm500++.. dan smpi skrg mak ak msih
ungkit..dy cite dgn sume..dy maki ak..dy mara ak..smpi hilng tros
pecaye dh..kalo ada sesiapa yg mngambilnye..tlgla pulg..kalo x..Tuhan
tue maha adil..smua prbuatan jahat dibalas dgn jahat..sbb ilang atau
dicuri begini ak menderita..@ mungkin kesilapan ak sndri..xpe..ak akn
berusaha kumpul duit..blikn mak ak jam tue blik..baek!!..stakat nie ak
bru kumpul rm100..kumpul lg..chaiyok!!

masalah kedua ak..utang ak dgn poksu ak..yg ak pinjm utk memuaskn ati
kwn ak..yg dy terpaksa gne duit dy mggantikn pfume yg ak xjual..inilah
lumrah biznes..ada untg ada rugi..n ak dh bg duit..tp dr raya aidilfitri
n smpi skrg..habuk pn ak xdpt..ak nk report pd sape?? polis?? ak kne tipu
ke?? ntahla..ak xdpt nk bwt pape..ak buntu..insyaAllah ak akn kumpul lg
rm160 utk ganti blik duit poksu ak..ak xtau nk tlg sape @ tlg je dri ak
sndri..yg berenang pn msih lemas lg..

kwn ak pnah ckp..kwn segala2nya bg dy..dan dy hargai sebuah persahabatan
..tp skrg ape yg blaku..dy mjauh dr ak..ak syg dy sgt3..tp dy lunturkan..
kepercayaan ak pd dy..dy meletakkn ak dlm kesusahan..sedikit pn tidak
memikirkan situasi ak..dy meletakkn kegembiraannya dahulu dgn tidak
memikirkan kesusahan org lain..bagaimana org lain bersush deminya..risau
tntg dirinye, pelajarannye, tp sedikitpn dy xnk cube bngkit & x appreciate
dgn ape yg org buat utk dy..ak kecewa sgt2..skrg nie ak rse down gler..
xkn ada sape yg leh bntu ak kecuali diri ak sndri..kdg2 ak pk..dy hnye nk
gnekn ak je ke..mungkin ini dugaan Tuhan nk bg kt ak..dan ak hrap diatas
ape yg blaku nie..ada hikmah disebaliknye..ak berdoa Tuhan tolong kuatkn
hati hambaMu ini..kurniakn ak sifat sabar..dan ak cube berusaha stakat yg
termampu..ak perlu bertahan utk 1 semester...1 thun je lg..kemudian semua
ini akn berakhir..sume ini akn "over" dan tinggal hanya mimpi buruk yg ak
kne cube utk tdk mngulanginye lg..YaAllah..kuatkn hati hambamu ini..&
cekalkn hatinye serta kurniakannya sifat sabar..Amin..

senyap??

10/12/08
arini ak jmpe se2org...ak mmg angap dy mcm kwn...coz...walo sebelom nie ak pnh ske dy....
dy cube bermanja dgn ak blik mcm dlu...tp hati ak x pd dy...hati ak pd bf ak....
yg dh menyepi utk 3 ari....ak majok dgn dy....tp dy skit pn x pduli psal ak....
skit pn dy x ksh psal ak....ak sdih sgt3....sgt3....ak xtau pe yg jadi pd dy....
ak dh cube msg....tp dy x respon pape pn....ntahla ak xtau nk wat pe lg....kdg2.....
bile ko dh bg sepenuhnye hati ko kt se2org....dy pulak yg menyakiti kite...kdg2 ak terpikir
skali lg ke ak bg ati ak nie pd org yg salah....ak sdih...teramat2 sedih....
ak sgt3 kecewa....dy xda cube utk dptkn ak blik....walopn dy cbe utk minta maaf dr ak..
tp ak dpt rasekn yg maaf dy tue x ikhlas...dy xda ckp pn...."syg...maafkn i...baby plz,
didnt mean to hurt u...u'll always be my special one...i pmise....later i'll chnge 4 u"
no...dy x ckp cmtue...dy cume ckp...i minta maaf...sori for hurtin u...dats all....
did he really love me...im so sad...he didnt try to get me bck...ak sgt sdih....
rsenye ak gagal lg...rsenye ak ditinggalkn lg...ak dgn dy bru je 15 ari...guz ak rse...
ak tersalah pilih org lg....thnx again for evrytin....thanx again for ruining my life..
wat do i do again to get rid of him....for almost 1 semester....sakit la...kdg2 ak terpikir
ak nie gf dy ke...ak mmg kuat cemburu...tp cra dy lyn ak...kdg2 ak xrse ak nie special bg
dy...kdg2 ak rse mcm dy buat2 je...dy x hormat prioriti ak sbg gf dy...ak kecewa sgt2...xmcm org laen...x mcm org cpl...ntah...
ak kne cube lupekn dy...ak sdih...tp ak xtau nk ckp dgn sape...dhla sazana...
ko kuatkn je la dri ko...cbe lupekn dy...

What have I got to do to make you love me

What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that you're not there

What do I do to make you want me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I say when it's all over
And sorry seems to be the hardest word

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

What do I do to make you love me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I do when lightning strikes me
What have I got to do
What have I got to do
When sorry seems to be the hardest word

haih...sbr je la sazana...

ak xphm npe lelaki sgt3 ego...
sush btol la nk cri org yg ssuai...
yg leh thn dgn kerenah ak nie...huhu...
ak nie jnis cpat melenting...
n ak nk sum1 yg leh mngalah dgn ak...
tp nie laen...sgt3 laen...dy xkn mengalah...
n dy tros akn snyap...
ok..
if ini dy nk...
ok...go on...ak akn snyap...n xkn muncul lg...
n xkn gngu lg idop dy...

endless pain

today...i noe many kind of stori...which sort...
i cud learn from it...i said diz precious word...
but it seems no valued - "when i need sum1 so much,
he didnt came for me, but sum1 else did"...
but no respon...no feelings....guz me...hav to bck
off...no point...its worthless...juz keep it within
me...again n again...life..life...life...y must we
get through it...evry1 around me...stil life in da
past...y?? y??...n da past...hurts me a lot...a lot
..more than i cud imagine...mama...mama...mama...
im in pain...it was so hurt...i really need u mama
..no..no one..nobody came..no...its juz me again..
n again...n again...God..give me strength..to get
through diz...really big strength..to fight....
EVERYTIN...EVERYTIN...EVERYTIN...ALONE...N BY MYSELF